MI CONFESIÓN – PSICÓPATA, PUTA, Y MALTRATADORA DE NIÑOS

December 24, 2015

MI CONFESIÓN – PSICÓPATA, PUTA, Y MALTRATADORA DE NIÑOS

(Traducción al español- for English see below).

A todos los que nos conocen, al mundo, y a las autoridades.

Esta es la historia de nuestra familia (Ian, Paula, Jana, y Max) y lo que nos ha sucedido en los últimos dos años, más o menos, sobre todo desde mi crisis “psiquiátrica” de marzo. Al escribir esta confesión, no sé exactamente cuáles serán las consecuencias de su publicación, pero sé que algunas serán difíciles. Pido a todos que hagan lo que puedan para ayudar a Ian, Jana, y Max como les sea posible, así como a vosotros mismos.

La nuestra no es y nunca ha sido una familia normal. Algunos de vosotros sabéis un poco acerca de nuestros problemas. Unos pocos sospecháis que hay algo más detrás de ellos. La verdad es que síque lo hay, hay algo que ha causado tristeza y dolor indecibles – para Jana desde que era una niña, pero, sobre todo, y para ambos Jana y Max, en los últimos dos años.

Ian no estará de acuerdo. Insistirá  en que todo estaba bien y / o cada vez mejor, y / o que si yo hubiera tomado mi medicación… etc. Ian piensa y dice esas cosas porque es ajeno al dolor de los niños – pero yo lo he visto en los ojos de Jana y de Max también.

(Ian, tu tuviste que ser ajeno a ese dolor, esa era tu misión; tenías que mantener una actitud positiva y alegre ante todo, pues eras el único que la podías mantener, y los demás necesitábamos que lo hicieras así; que volvieras a casa todos los días y hablaras de música, de tu trabajo, y de tus amigos, y que hicieras bromas, fueras de excursión y a conciertos con Max, hicieras mejoras en la casa, como si todo fuera normal, trajeras a Suri a nuestra falso, moribundo hogar familiar, y mucho más.)

Y sí, Ian, tienes razón en que Jana está  mucho mejor. Ya no languidece en su habitación de la horrible manera en que lo hacía hace un año; su trabajo realmente la ha transformado y la ha hecho madurar; está haciendo nuevos amigos, y va a clase. Este maravilloso cambio me da toda la esperanza que necesito para saber que va a estar bien.

Pero Jana y Max saben de lo que estoy hablando. Incluso si no pueden exactamente nombrarlo, sienten que hay algo profundamente mal entre nosotros. Bueno, la noticia es – ese algo soy yo.

Nunca pensé de mí misma que fuera una mala persona, pero durante mi estancia en el hospital psiquiátrico de Everett en marzo de este año, descubrí que soy peor que mala, que soy una psicópata. Descubrí esto mirando atrás a mi vida, por primera vez con honestidad, y por medio de una serie de revelaciones sobre mi carácter personal y sobre mis relaciones con los demás. Esas relaciones, me di cuenta, eran retorcidas y manipuladoras. Si tuviera que decirlo en pocas palabras y sin rodeos (y me temo que tengo que hacerlo Así) soy un maltratadora de niños y una puta. (Además, también soy vanidosa, egoísta, llena de prejuicios y de negatividad; emocionalmente distante, e incapaz de conectar con los demás – los rasgos habituales de un psicópata).

Aquí hay una página sobre la personalidad psicopática que podría ayudaros a entender (está en inglés): lo más importante a destacar es que los psicópatas son incapaces de amar: http://crime.about.com/od/serial/a/psychopaths.htm.

****** ******

Empecemos con lo de PUTA primero. Me casé con Ian en 1988 – un matrimonio de conveniencia. Éramos compañeros de piso, y yo quería permanecer en el Reino Unido (España en aquel momento no era parte de la UE). La primera vez que hicimos el amor fue en nuestra noche de bodas. Aunque Ian me gustaba muchísimo, sobre todo al principio (es una persona increíblemente maravillosa), nunca estuve enamorada de él o sentí ninguna química sexual con él. De hecho, desde la crisis psiquiátrica de este año he llegado a creer que soy asexual, o tal vez, sin saberlo hasta ahora, bisexual o gay; pero siempre he usado el sexo para manipular a los hombres, para conseguir algo de ellos, alguna ventaja, o su atención, o una sensación de poder, o simplemente su compañía; y siempre he simulado mis orgasmos.

Increíblemente, seguí casada con Ian durante más de 25 años y, aún más increíble, decidí tener hijos con él (Max no fue planeado, pero si bienvenido). Esto, por supuesto, fue el colmo de la falta de respeto y de la irresponsabilidad, conmigo misma y con los demás (todo típico de un psicópata). Y nadie más que yo sabía la verdad. Pero al mismo tiempo yo escondía esa verdad de mi misma conciencia, como suelen hacer los psicópatas, y era incapaz de verla.

En cuanto a lo de ser maltratadora de niños – juro que sólo descubrí esto en marzo de este año. Hasta entonces, pensaba que mi difícil relación con Jana se debía simplemente a la mala crianza (incluso asistí, de buena fe, a un curso para padres, hace un par de años), o a las diferencias con Ian sobre cómo criar a los hijos (o sea, que era culpa de a Ian), o, peor todavía, del propio carácter de Jana (pensaba que era una “quejica”, una niña “negativa” y, de nuevo, de buena fe, la animé a que fuera a terapia. Pero, por supuesto, ella se comportaba de esa manera por mi culpa!).

Aquí hay un enlace a una página sobre los malos tratos emocionales (en inglés) http://www.americanhumane.org/children/stop-child-abuse/fact-sheets/emotional-abuse.html.

Entonces, qué sucedió en los últimos dos años? En primer lugar, en enero de 2013, al haber cumplido los 50 años, y en lo que parecía una típica crisis de esa edad, pero en realidad cansado de tener una esposa gruñona y sexualmente desinteresada, Ian tuvo un romance. Dejamos de ser una pareja, pero decidimos quedarnos en la misma casa hasta que los niños se hubieran ido a la universidad. Yo me quedé muy transtornada e intenté  desesperadamente de retener a Ian con mis artimañas sexuales y de otro tipo, pero por supuesto no había manera de reparar una relación que nunca fue auténtica y apasionada.

Así que empecé a bailar y a salir con hombres – más manipulación.

Mientras todo esto sucedía, Jana estaba cayendo profundamente en la depresión. No una depresión común, sino extrema – dejó de ir a la escuela, dejó de cuidar de sí misma y de sus cosas, casi ni se levantaba de la cama. Sus amigas estaban muy preocupadas – pero yo ignoré su dolor, o, peor aún, la culpé de ello. Aún más perversamente, he usee la depresión de Jana para que amigos y familia me tuvieran lástima a mí! Max, por su parte, respondió con su propia depresión no reconocida, gradualmente durante estos dos años se ha convertido en una persona más triste y silenciosa – siempre había estado tan lleno de energía y alegría de pequeño.

Sólo fue, como digo, en marzo de este año que me di cuenta de mi verdadera naturaleza, y de que debería estar en la cárcel por el delito de abuso de menores. Aunque, como he descubierto, asombrosamente, el abuso emocional no es un crimen en el estado de Washington. Desde marzo he estado tratando de encubrir la verdad, pero no puedo hacerlo más .Por supuesto, lamento el daño horrible que he causado y estoy causando a amigos y familia con mi comportamiento, pero también sé que el daño no puede ser borrado, porque no puedo volver atrás en el tiempo y dar a Jana, Max y Ian – y otra familiares y amigos – el amor que todos necesitan y merecen. Creo que ni Jana ni Max pueden tener vidas adultas normales mientras no descubran estos secretos horribles. Así que elijo decirles la verdad, como lo hago aquí.

Paula Cerni, Seattle,12 Nov 2015 Paula Cerni, Seattle, 12 de noviembre 2015

MY CONFESSION – PSYCHOPATH, WHORE, AND CHILD ABUSER

November 13, 2015

To all those who know us, to the world, and to the authorities.

(Please ignore Ian’s previous post – I am writing this in full possession of my faculties; it is the truth as I see it).

This is the story of our family (Ian, Paula, Jana, and Max) and what has happened to us in the last two years or so, particularly since my so-called “psychiatric” crisis in March. As I write this I do not know what will be the full consequences of publishing this confession, but I know some of them might be hurtful. I ask of all of you that you do whatever is in your power to help Ian, Jana, and Max in any way you can, as well as yourselves.

Ours is not and has never been a normal family. Some of you know a little bit about our troubles. A few suspect more than that. Truth is, there’s something very wrong with us, which has caused untold sadness and pain – for Jana ever since she was a little girl, but, especially, and for both Jana and Max, in the last two years.

Ian will disagree. He will insist that everything was OK and/or getting better, and/or if only I had taken my medication, etc. Ian thinks and says such things because he is oblivious to the children’s pain – but I’ve seen it in Jana’s eyes and in Max’s too.

(Ian, you had to be oblivious, that was your job; you had to stay positive and cheerful throughout all this, you were the only one to, and the rest of us needed you to stay that way; we needed you to come home and talk about music and your job and your friends, and to make jokes, to go on trips and concerts with Max, to do home improvements as if everything was normal, to bring Suri into our fake, dying family home, and so much more.)

And yes, Ian, you’re right that Jana is much better. She is no longer languishing in her bedroom in the horrible way she was about a year ago; her new job has really transformed and grown her; she is making new friends, and she is going to school. This wonderful change gives me all the hope I need that she is going to be OK.

But Jana and Max know what I’m talking about. Even if they can’t exactly name it, they know something is profoundly wrong with us. Well, the news is – that something is me.

I never thought of myself as a bad person, but during my stay at the psychiatric hospital back in March this year, I discovered I am not only bad, I am deeply psychopathic. I discovered this by, for the first time ever, looking back at my life with honesty, and through a series of insights about my personal character and about my relationships with others. Those relationships, I realized, were all twisted and manipulative. If I had to put it briefly and bluntly (and I’m afraid I have to) I am a child abuser and a whore. (In addition, I am also vain, greedy, prejudiced, and full of negativity; emotionally detached, and unable to connect with others – the usual psychopathic traits).

Here is a site on the psychopathic personality that might help you understand: The most important thing to note is that psychopaths are unable to love: http://crime.about.com/od/serial/a/psychopaths.htm.

******

Let’s start with the WHORE part first. I married Ian in 1988 – a marriage of convenience. We were just room-mates, and I wanted to be able to stay in the UK (Spain at the time was not part of the EU). We first had sex on our wedding night. Although I was infatuated with Ian for a while, and have always been fond of him (he is an incredibly wonderful person), I was never in love with him or felt any sexual chemistry with him. In fact, since this year’s “psychiatric” crisis I have come to believe I am asexual, or perhaps, unbeknown to me until now, bisexual or gay; yet I have always used sex to manipulate men, to get something out of them, an advantage, or attention, or a sense of power, or simply company; and I just faked my orgasms.

Unbelievably, I stayed married to Ian for over 25 years, and, still more unbelievably, decided to have children with him (Max was unplanned, but welcome). This, of course, is the height of disrespect and irresponsibility, to oneself and to others (all typical of a psychopath). And no-one but me knew the full truth. But I was in denial, as psychopaths usually are, and completely shut this truth out of my brain.

As for being a CHILD ABUSER – I swear I only discovered this in March this year. Until then I thought my difficult relationship with Jana was simply due to poor parenting skills (I even attended, in good faith, a parenting course a couple of years ago), to differences with Ian over parenting philosophy (blame Ian), or, worse still, to Jana’s own character (I thought she was a “moany”, “negative” child and, again in good faith, I encouraged her to get therapy– but of course she behaved that way because of me!).

Here’s a link to a page of emotional child abuse: http://www.americanhumane.org/children/stop-child-abuse/fact-sheets/emotional-abuse.html

So, what happened in the last two years? Firstly, in January 2013, having turned 50 and in the midst of what looked like a typical mid-life crisis, but in reality tired of having a nagging, sexually uninterested wife, Ian had an affair. We stopped being a couple but decided to stay in the same house until the children were gone to college. I was very distraught and tried desperately to get Ian back with my sexual and other ruses, but of course there was no way to repair a relationship that was never authentic and passionate to begin with.

So I started going out dancing and dating — more manipulating of men.

While all this was going on, Jana was falling deep into depression. Not just an ordinary depression, but an extreme one – she stopped going to school, stopped looking after herself and her things, eventually would hardly get out of bed. Her friends were alarmed – but all the while I ignored her pain, or, worse still, blamed Jana for it. Even more wickedly, I used Jana’s depression to elicit friends’ and family’s sympathy for me. Max, on the other hand, responded with his own unrecognized depression, gradually over the two years becoming an increasingly sad and silent person around the house — where he had been so full of energy and joy as a little child.

It was only, as I say, in March of this year that I realized my true nature and that I should be in jail for the crime of child abuse. (It appears, though, that emotional child abuse is not a crime in Washington state.) Since March I have been trying to cover up the truth, but I can no longer do so. I of course regret the horrible harm I have caused to friends and family with my behavior, but I also know that the harm can never be erased, because I cannot go back in time and give Jana, Max and Ian – and other family and friends — the love they all needed and deserved. I believe that neither Jana nor Max can ever have regular adult lives while these horrible secrets are hidden from them. So I choose to tell them the truth, as I do here.

I am making this public to come clean with my family, friends, neighbors, and the entire world, to get their, and God’s understanding and, if possible, forgiveness.

Paula Cerni, Seattle, 12 Nov 2015

MY CONFESSION – An Update

November 11, 2015

Hi,

This is actually a message from Ian, Paula’s ex-partner. I’ve deleted the content of the document that she posted here mainly to protect my children and Paula herself.
She’s been suffering a severe form of depression for which she’s taking medication. The document was a product of her deciding not to take her medication for the last two weeks and subsequent breakdown. She believes that she needs to confess for some terrible series of actions that she has committed – I don’t that anyone who knows would agree with that.

We’re doing our best to look after her and make sure that she is getting the right care.

Thanks,

Ian

Publications

January 31, 2011

please send comments and/or requests to be notified of new publications to paula_cerni@msn.com

‘Dead Philosophers Are Cool: “Philosophy Bites Back”‘, Popmatters 8 March 2013 (Book review of David Edmonds and Nigel Warburton, Philosophy Bites Back, Oxford University Press 2013).

‘A Whole World of Bullshit: “Bullspotting: Finding Facts in the Age of Misinformation”‘, Popmatters 18 January 2013 (Book review of Loren Collins, Bullspotting: Finding Facts in the Age of Misimformation, Prometheus 2012).

“How China Grabbed Hold of the World in Order to Survive and Compete: “Restless Empire”‘, Popmatters 6 December 2012 (Book review of Odd Arne Westad, Restless Empire: China and the World Since 1750, Basic 2012).

‘Thomas Friedman’s Paean to Globalization “The Lexus and the Olive Tree” Is Back, But We’ve Moved On’, Popmatters 9 October 2012 (Book review of Thomas L. Friedman, The Lexus and the Olive Tree: Understanding Globalization, Picador 2012).

‘We Need Glenn Greenwald’s “With Liberty and Justice for Some” for Its Courage’, Popmatters 17 September 2012 (Book review of Glenn Greenwald, With Liberty and Justice for Some: How the Law is Used to Destroy Equality and Protect the Powerful, Picador 2012).

‘Enter the Posthuman: “Alien Phenomenology”‘, Popmatters 16 July 2012 (Book review of Ian Bogost, Alien Phenomenology, Or What It’s Like to Be a Thing, University of Minnesota Press 2012).

‘The Wheel, Reinvented: Occupy! Scenes from Occupied America’, Popmatters 8 May 2012 (Book review of Astra Taylor, Keith Gessen, and others, eds, Occupy! Scenes from Occupied America, Verso 2011).

‘The Quantum Mind-Boggle’, Popmatters 4 April 2012 (Book review of Brian Cox and Jeff Forshaw, The Quantum Universe, Da Capo 2012).

“Consumerism”, in Ben Fine and Alfredo Saad-Filho (eds) The Elgar Companion to Marxist Economics, pp. 78-83. (Edward Elgar Publishing, 2012).

‘God Among the Test Tubes: “Science and Religion in Quest of Truth”‘, Popmatters 14 February 2012 (Book review of John Polkinghorne, Science and Religion in Quest of Truth, Yale University Press 2011).

Book review of Massimo Pigliucci, Nonsense on Stilts: How to Tell Science from Bunk, University of Chicago Press 2010. Marx and Philosophy Review of Books 22 January 2012.

‘Barbarians Against Barbarians: Henry Kissinger’s “On China”‘, Popmatters 3 November 2011 (Book review of Henry Kissinger, On China, Penguin 2011).

‘OMG, You Wrote Your Own Bible?’, Popmatters 14 September 2011 (Book review of A.C. Grayling, The Good Book: A Humanist Bible, Walker & Co 2011).

‘Smile, You’re in a Rat Race’, Popmatters 6 July 2011 (Book review of David Brooks, The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character, and Achievement, Random House 2011).

‘Gazing Upon the Bitch-Goddess of Quantification’, Popmatters 23 May 2011 (Book review of James Gleick, The Information: A History, A Theory, A Flood, Pantheon 2011).

‘Save the World from Evil Math’, Popmatters 5 May 2011 (Book review of Charles Seife, Proofiness: The Dark Arts of Mathematical Deception, Viking Adult 2010).

‘”Revolutionary Deists”: Fanatics for a Reason’, Popmatters 27 Apr 2011 (Book review of Kerry Walters, Revolutionary Deists: Early America’s Rational Infidels, Prometheus 2011).

‘The Ol’ Rebel Heart of “The Communist Manifesto” Beats On’, Popmatters 28 Mar 2011 (Book review of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, The Communist Manifesto, Penguin 2011).

‘A Perfect Storm: Tipping Points, Critical Mass, and Dynamics of the Egyptian Revolution’, Countercurrents 02 March 2011.

Book review of Matthew B. Crawford, Shop Class as Soulcraft: An Inquiry Into the Value of Work, Penguin Press 2009. State of Nature, Summer 2010.

‘The Secret of New Age Thinking’, Butterflies and Wheels 10 July 2010 (Book review of Robert M. Price, Top Secret: The Truth Behind Today’s Pop Mysticisms, Prometheus 2008).

Book review of Jurgen Habermas, Between Naturalism and Religion: Philosophical Essays, Polity Press 2008. Marx and Philosophy Review of Books May 2010.

‘Counfound the Unbelievers’, Butterflies and Wheels 15 Oct 2009 (Book review of Dinesh D’Souza, What’s So Great About Christianity, Regnery Publishing 2007).

‘Dating Guide for the Left-Wing Writer’, Dissident Voice 11 May 2009.

‘The Age of Consumer Capitalism’, Cultural Logic 2007.

‘One World, One Lie: Tibet, The Olympics and Democracy’, Mute 24 July 2008.

‘Atheism Is Not Enough: A Socialist Dare to Religion and Science’, State of Nature Spring 2008.

‘Unproductive Bodies: A Materialist Critique of the “Corporeal Turn”‘, Reconstruction 7.4 2007.

‘Imperialism in the Twenty-First Century’, Theory and Science 8.1 Winter 2006.

‘China’s Modernization and the New Left’, Borderlands 5:1 2006. (Book review of Wang Hui, China’s New Order: Society, Politics, and Economy in Transition, Harvard University Press 2003).

Book review of Emmanuel Todd, After the Empire: The Breakdown of the American Order, Columbia University Press 2003. Review of Radical Political Economics 38: 3 Summer 2006.

Book review of Ulrich Beck, The Brave New World of Work, Polity Press 2000. Review of Radical Political Economics 37: 3 Summer 2005.

Book review of Poul Harremoes, David Gee, Malcolm MacGarvin, Andy Stirling, Jane Keys, Brian Wynne, and Sofia Guedes Vaz (eds.) The Precautionary Principle in the 20th Century: Late Lessons From Early Warnings, Earthscan 2002. Millennium Journal of International Studies 33:1 2004.

Book review of Chris Benner, Work in the New Economy: Flexible Labor Markets in Silicon Valley, Blackwell 2002. Sociological Research Online 8: 4 November 2003.

Book review of Peter Dicken, Global Shift: Transforming the World Economy, Guildford 1998. Review of Radical Political Economics 35: 3 Summer 2003.