Archive for November, 2015

MY CONFESSION – PSYCHOPATH, WHORE, AND CHILD ABUSER

November 13, 2015

To all those who know us, to the world, and to the authorities.

(Please ignore Ian’s previous post – I am writing this in full possession of my faculties; it is the truth as I see it).

This is the story of our family (Ian, Paula, Jana, and Max) and what has happened to us in the last two years or so, particularly since my so-called “psychiatric” crisis in March. As I write this I do not know what will be the full consequences of publishing this confession, but I know some of them might be hurtful. I ask of all of you that you do whatever is in your power to help Ian, Jana, and Max in any way you can, as well as yourselves.

Ours is not and has never been a normal family. Some of you know a little bit about our troubles. A few suspect more than that. Truth is, there’s something very wrong with us, which has caused untold sadness and pain – for Jana ever since she was a little girl, but, especially, and for both Jana and Max, in the last two years.

Ian will disagree. He will insist that everything was OK and/or getting better, and/or if only I had taken my medication, etc. Ian thinks and says such things because he is oblivious to the children’s pain – but I’ve seen it in Jana’s eyes and in Max’s too.

(Ian, you had to be oblivious, that was your job; you had to stay positive and cheerful throughout all this, you were the only one to, and the rest of us needed you to stay that way; we needed you to come home and talk about music and your job and your friends, and to make jokes, to go on trips and concerts with Max, to do home improvements as if everything was normal, to bring Suri into our fake, dying family home, and so much more.)

And yes, Ian, you’re right that Jana is much better. She is no longer languishing in her bedroom in the horrible way she was about a year ago; her new job has really transformed and grown her; she is making new friends, and she is going to school. This wonderful change gives me all the hope I need that she is going to be OK.

But Jana and Max know what I’m talking about. Even if they can’t exactly name it, they know something is profoundly wrong with us. Well, the news is – that something is me.

I never thought of myself as a bad person, but during my stay at the psychiatric hospital back in March this year, I discovered I am not only bad, I am deeply psychopathic. I discovered this by, for the first time ever, looking back at my life with honesty, and through a series of insights about my personal character and about my relationships with others. Those relationships, I realized, were all twisted and manipulative. If I had to put it briefly and bluntly (and I’m afraid I have to) I am a child abuser and a whore. (In addition, I am also vain, greedy, prejudiced, and full of negativity; emotionally detached, and unable to connect with others – the usual psychopathic traits).

Here is a site on the psychopathic personality that might help you understand: The most important thing to note is that psychopaths are unable to love: http://crime.about.com/od/serial/a/psychopaths.htm.

******

Let’s start with the WHORE part first. I married Ian in 1988 – a marriage of convenience. We were just room-mates, and I wanted to be able to stay in the UK (Spain at the time was not part of the EU). We first had sex on our wedding night. Although I was infatuated with Ian for a while, and have always been fond of him (he is an incredibly wonderful person), I was never in love with him or felt any sexual chemistry with him. In fact, since this year’s “psychiatric” crisis I have come to believe I am asexual, or perhaps, unbeknown to me until now, bisexual or gay; yet I have always used sex to manipulate men, to get something out of them, an advantage, or attention, or a sense of power, or simply company; and I just faked my orgasms.

Unbelievably, I stayed married to Ian for over 25 years, and, still more unbelievably, decided to have children with him (Max was unplanned, but welcome). This, of course, is the height of disrespect and irresponsibility, to oneself and to others (all typical of a psychopath). And no-one but me knew the full truth. But I was in denial, as psychopaths usually are, and completely shut this truth out of my brain.

As for being a CHILD ABUSER – I swear I only discovered this in March this year. Until then I thought my difficult relationship with Jana was simply due to poor parenting skills (I even attended, in good faith, a parenting course a couple of years ago), to differences with Ian over parenting philosophy (blame Ian), or, worse still, to Jana’s own character (I thought she was a “moany”, “negative” child and, again in good faith, I encouraged her to get therapy– but of course she behaved that way because of me!).

Here’s a link to a page of emotional child abuse: http://www.americanhumane.org/children/stop-child-abuse/fact-sheets/emotional-abuse.html

So, what happened in the last two years? Firstly, in January 2013, having turned 50 and in the midst of what looked like a typical mid-life crisis, but in reality tired of having a nagging, sexually uninterested wife, Ian had an affair. We stopped being a couple but decided to stay in the same house until the children were gone to college. I was very distraught and tried desperately to get Ian back with my sexual and other ruses, but of course there was no way to repair a relationship that was never authentic and passionate to begin with.

So I started going out dancing and dating — more manipulating of men.

While all this was going on, Jana was falling deep into depression. Not just an ordinary depression, but an extreme one – she stopped going to school, stopped looking after herself and her things, eventually would hardly get out of bed. Her friends were alarmed – but all the while I ignored her pain, or, worse still, blamed Jana for it. Even more wickedly, I used Jana’s depression to elicit friends’ and family’s sympathy for me. Max, on the other hand, responded with his own unrecognized depression, gradually over the two years becoming an increasingly sad and silent person around the house — where he had been so full of energy and joy as a little child.

It was only, as I say, in March of this year that I realized my true nature and that I should be in jail for the crime of child abuse. (It appears, though, that emotional child abuse is not a crime in Washington state.) Since March I have been trying to cover up the truth, but I can no longer do so. I of course regret the horrible harm I have caused to friends and family with my behavior, but I also know that the harm can never be erased, because I cannot go back in time and give Jana, Max and Ian – and other family and friends — the love they all needed and deserved. I believe that neither Jana nor Max can ever have regular adult lives while these horrible secrets are hidden from them. So I choose to tell them the truth, as I do here.

I am making this public to come clean with my family, friends, neighbors, and the entire world, to get their, and God’s understanding and, if possible, forgiveness.

Paula Cerni, Seattle, 12 Nov 2015

MY CONFESSION – An Update

November 11, 2015

Hi,

This is actually a message from Ian, Paula’s ex-partner. I’ve deleted the content of the document that she posted here mainly to protect my children and Paula herself.
She’s been suffering a severe form of depression for which she’s taking medication. The document was a product of her deciding not to take her medication for the last two weeks and subsequent breakdown. She believes that she needs to confess for some terrible series of actions that she has committed – I don’t that anyone who knows would agree with that.

We’re doing our best to look after her and make sure that she is getting the right care.

Thanks,

Ian